One of my favorite things to do when I go to the bank is to look at all the remaining ATM receipts. How much money do you have? I hate when nosy ass people get right behind me and see that my total Available Balance is $89—I always try to make that screen go away really fast so nobody sees it. But I’m always fascinated when I pick up somebody else’s receipt and it says the Available Balance is something like $28,000. How is that possible!
I read a story in The Wall Street Journal this week about investment bankers having a really tough time sending their kids to school (read: Dalton) on a measly pre-tax salary of 1.6 million dollars per year—which, okay, sans bonus is only about $320,000, down from the heyday of $700,000. According to the article, that’s “not a lot of money.”
Better get used to bologna sandwiches/doing your grocery shopping at the local CVS!
Does anyone else think that a $700,000 salary, or even $320,000, sounds like an awful lot of money? Seriously: how much money do people really need to be happy?
I’m willing to bet that more than a handful of us live outside our means, no matter the income level—it’s the American Way. We Americans love our fancy houses, our big cars and fabulous vacations. I guess if you’re used to making $700,000 and see your paycheck sliced in half, you’re basically poor and eating Ramen. But, come on, surely you can make it work on three hundred twenty thousand dollars a year (after taxes). That’s $26,666 a month—but who’s counting?—only a pinch more than what I get as a lowly humanities graduate student.
So after reading that article, I naturally started daydreaming about how I would spend an I-Banker’s $26,666 a month as an unmarried gay dude living in New York City.
I would rent a big ass loft in Brooklyn ($7000) so I could have all the space I need to write my New York Times Bestsellers, throw parties, and practice with my band The The’s. (Total: $7000).
Couture is the most important thing to me, so I would still get all my clothes from Top Shop, OAK, and H&M as I do today, but I would spruce everything up with one or two Givenchy handbags, one Alexander Wang bag, the one with all the studs at the bottom, a black Margiela cape, 10 silver rings, 24 silver bracelets, 12 for each wrist—oh and maybe a taupe Rick Owens leather jacket. Hmm, this fashion stuff is adding up really fast. Let’s just say I’d give myself a budget of, like, $4000 a month just for clothes. Hey, some people send their kid to Dalton at the age of five; I coat myself in Lanvin. What’s the difference? (Total: $11,000).
I’d get a really fancy pair of headphones, maybe the Bowers and Wilkins P5’s, because I’m an audiophile, and I can’t do shit with a stupid pair of headphones.
I burn through portable headphones really fast, mostly because if I’m awake I’m listening to music—loud music. Why buy three pairs of $60 headphones a year when you can just buy one $300 pair to last you forever? I likes my bass, people! (Total: $11,300).
I would send my grandmother money every month, maybe like $2500, so she could travel and go to the Casino and do fabulous things. I probably couldn’t get her to escape Missouri and move to New York with me, but maybe I could also rent her a place in the City so she could stay there when she comes to visit. I would also send my sister some cash to help out with my nephew. (Total: $15,800).
(I’ve done all this and I’m still only half way through the money!).
I would save $4000 a month, for a total of $48,000 per year. Wow, imagine having all this fabulous couture, you’re helping your family out, you’ve got a fierce loft and stuff, and you’re still able save somebody’s salary in a single year (remember, this is all after taxes have been taken out!) (Total: $19,800).
Remaining: $6866.
I would buy contemporary art—I’d love an Angel Otero or a Mickalene Thomas piece, for instance. I would still shop at a combination of Key Food/Whole Foods/West Side Market.
I would not eat out. I would not buy a car. I still would not buy an Unlimited Metro Card—the MTA doesn’t deserve the money. I would not pay for a gym membership. I would replace my current, crippled MacBook Pro with a new 15-inch model. I would get the Apple Time Capsule Hard Drive so I could copy files over the air. Remaining: $3000. Spending money you don’t have is so difficult. I’ve done all this stuff and I still have $3000 in my bank account at the end of each month—and actually, I have even more because I’m not going to buy a computer or fancy headphones or art every month. So I probably have more like $7166 at the end of each month—all this money is driving me crazy!
And to think, if I’m making $320,000 in a year (after taxes), I’m probably partnered with somebody who is also making six figures in a year, if not the full $320,000, for a potential family total of $640,000 per year after taxes!
Listen, I spent pieces of the first half of my life in Kinloch, Missouri a.k.a. THE HOOD, raised perfectly well by my grandmother who made $35,000 at the time. If Delores Moore can do it, so can you banker bro.
