Everyone is aware of the Bud Light “Real Men of Genius” radio (and some television) ads, yes? The tongue-in cheek ad spots feature cheesy 1980s rock song ballads, with funny background parts sung by former Survivor lead singer David Bickler. Several hundred of the commercials have been made between the campaign’s inception in 1998 when it was called “Real American Heroes” (the name was changed to “Real Men of Genius” after 9/11) and its unfortunate end in 2008.
Collecting the commercials online or in a now out-of print CD series is a popular hobby of the ad campaign’s fans, and several websites are dedicated to audio clips of the spots.
I’ve always thought to myself that penning these radio spots would rank up there with being a Saturday Night Live or Daily Show writer as the pinnacle of writing jobs in our nation. So, in honor of the national plague of Weineresque men sending out pictures of their cocks, I’m going to give a Bud Light “Real Men of Genius” ad spot a shot. Get your announcer Pete Stacker imaginary headphones on and cue the mock jingle music. Ready?
Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Overly Enthusiastic Dick Pic Sender
(Mr. Overly Enthusiastic Dick Pic Sender)
Some girls say you’re a brazen, romantic lover
Some say a borderline-illegal creeper
And some say why is a 50-year-old still emailing pictures of his cock at all
(Because my Dell has a webcam)
But you see the beauty when your balls are the medium
And artwork is created to be shared
Whether it’s on G-chat, Twitter DM or straight-up sexting
(Pinterest shut porn down)
So don’t let poorly written stalker laws slow you down
Buy that Go Pro camera with the chest hair Velcro mount
Shooting yourself shooting should be easy
If you lock the door to your mom’s basement
(Dinner’s almost ready)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light with your other hand, oh passer-outer of the penis
Because it’s hard when girls block you, but you know your junk belongs outside its trunks.
(Mr. Overly Enthusiastic Dick Pic Sender)
That was fun. I could make these up all day long like it was my job. I would make up some mocking men, but since that was already done so effectively for a decade, I think I’d turn my lazily poisoned pen to women for a “Real Women of Genius” series that I think would be fucking hilarious.
“Miss Annoying Sports Sideline Mom,” “Miss Overly Pierced Emo Drama Girl,” “Miss Church Social Activity Calendar Planner”,” “Miss PTA Treasurer,” “Miss Awkwardly Tight Jean Wearer….” All day I could write those.
I should start pitching beer companies. It would have to be a girlier beer, like Bud Lime, maybe, or possibly even one of those like girl bottle drinks—Mike’s Hard Lemonade?
What I’m saying is that it’s time to bring “Real Genius” back to advertising and I am happy to do it in style with my first one today. Thanks for the real life inspiration, Mr. Overly Enthusiastic Dick Pic Sender.
This post not brought to you by Anheuser-Busch.
—Mary McCarthy blogs at pajamasandcoffee.com. Find her on twitter: @marymac.