Hey Candidates, Stay Off My TV

This country's citizens face a very hard decision in the coming months: We need to decide which talk show host to vote for.

This election has quickly wasted away into nothing more than a high school popularity contest. Hillary Clinton is the over-achieving, has-to-have-it valedictorian. Barack Obama is the cool guy who makes it seem like he cares about everyone. John McCain is the cerebral guy who the teachers just love. Mike Huckabee, well, he's an anomaly in the high school metaphor.

Either way, these kiddos are taking up the television channel's airtime with shameless ferocity.

The candidates are not showing their mugs on political forums, though; they are appearing on talk shows, from Ellen to The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Clinton made a cameo on Saturday Night Live recently. For those who saw her clip, I'm sure you'll agree: She made a struggling comedy show even less funny.

Huckabee probably whores himself out to airtime the most - and to the most success. In fact, comedians Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien have started a "vicious" feud over who "made" Huckabee.

Recently, Huckabee appeared on Tyra, one of the lower-ranking talk shows. The same day, he went on The Colbert Report to play air hockey with states as pucks.

Obama also did a little ditty for Ellen on her show. It wasn't really a ditty, more of a Tony-Shaloub-as-Adrian-Monk-so-uptight-my-eyes-are-bleeding dance. His biggest accomplishment, though, has been Oprah. While Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien jokingly argue over who made Huckabee, Oprah actually did make Obama the frontrunner of the Democratic party.

This ploy of pervading the shows that I watch religiously wouldn't bother me so much if they did funny stuff. However, they are politicians. That job title automatically comes with an immovable stick up the rear.

Actually, these candidates have led me to believe that they are so uptight that the sticks up their rears have snapped in half.

These little half-hearted appearances are really insulting. These candidates assume that by showing up on young people's programs we will think they are one of us or that they are at least thinking of us.

But when they can't loosen up and deliver one good joke, it looks like they think they are better than us. They are saying that they can't loosen up because older voters would think less of them, and those votes matter more.

So here is a message to the candidates: If I find you on one of my shows again, you'd best make my sides bursting with laughter. You cannot have Amy Pohler save you either, Hillary.

And if I don't laugh, I'm voting for Nader.